My new job

From the collection Shorts:

This is new
This thing
It could be like a holiday
That might last two weeks
In the sun
And then return back to the day to day grey dismay
That I’ve known for all my years
It’s been longer than a two week sabbatical
It’s been longer than a two month reprise
It’s been long enough to feel like it might be real
And as the novelty of being contented and balanced wears off
And the excitement of not feeling so very sad
So angry
So miserable
All the time
A new feeling
A new way of being
A new me
Settles in
Perhaps for the long haul
We can but hope
I can but hope
So I do
I hope
I hope
If I can stay perched on top of this mountain
Of new knowledge
Fighting the things that have made me me
For so long
Now that I know what to do
To make that old me into something else
That’s different on the inside
Although the mask stays the same
To many

But not to all.

Because that is how it’s got to be
That’s the trick
To all of this
My homework is
To let the mask slide
And let myself out
Actual me
Real me
From time to time
And be the person
I fear
That no-one might like
But I did it
And it was hard
Admitting I had to
And finding a few where I could
Meant making big decisions
And finding trust
That I didn’t carry with me as a rule
A trust that wasn’t in my repertoire
And it was troubling
Starting to say the words
Out loud
To friendly faces
I was scared would judge me pathetic
By my words
Just words
That ridiculously were going to make such change
Although it seemed impossible
They were just words
So how could it be
But the magic was that they fell into ears
That believed
That cared
In a way I hadn’t believed they could
And it worked
To my surprise
There was a
Holy fuck
So I ran with it
And let it grow
Like Jack’s Beanstalk
In people’s ears
In my few friends ears
Just words
So this then
This way
Is new
And not like a holiday after all
More like a job
And my role in this new job
Is staying sane
It’s a good job
The hours are ok
The pay is about the same
Although the expenses are kicking in
A social life has a price
Where hiding was free
But the rewards are many
So it’s a good job
This new job
And I don’t have to wear a tie
Unless I want to
It’s a job I’d like to keep
My role is quite simple
It’s a sales job
And all I have to sell
Is me
But the thing that makes this job different
Is I have to tell the truth
And that’s not how marketing works
The circus of selling disappears
The colourful over airbrushed advertisements
The fake veneer
The false shine
All glamorous, or hilarious, or crazy
The clown mask I’ve hidden behind since I was six
All have to go by
And only the truth
Of who I am
Can out
But they’re buying still
To my amazement
And I’m not falling apart
To my amazement
It’s a good job
A job I’d like to keep
It’s better than the last one
I don’t even mind getting out of bed for it
In the way I used to despise
Because not waking up would have been easier
Back then
If it could have been for forever
It’s a good job
This new job
It’s a better job
A better way to live
To earn a smile
Not a holiday then
Just a job
Where it’s always time to go to work
And I don’t have to wear a tie
Unless I want to

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