Something Got Born

I got broken today
By a piece of art
Something beautiful
And yet so very ugly
Something strong
And fragile at the same time
A story
Of life
And death
But mostly death
Again
I sat in a corner
At the back of a cinema
With about 400 women
And perhaps a few gay men
Being touched
Not by the gay men
But by the man who directed
And acted
And brought this story
To life
And to death
It was so chock full of the things
That have hurt me
That have wrecked me
That have battered and bruised me
That haunt me
Still
That might take me
Yet
But I’m fighting those monsters
Because we’re programmed to fight
And only the strongest
Know when the fight is too hard
And it’s time to stop trying
For good
To give up
The fight
To let the monsters win
To let the dark
In
So I soaked up the story
Its passions
Its pains
The brilliance it held
Its sadness
Its horror
And everything about it that was both terrible and beautiful
That brought back everything and nothing
That made my brain question everything I am
Or have been
Or did
Or want
And my heart questioned it the same
But came up with very different answers
That when it was done
That movie
That art
I sat with those 400 women
And the few gay men
And sobbed
Like a baby
Like a woman
Like I had a great big vagina of my own
And a heart
Of pink glitter
That feels
And feels
And feels
So much
That a real alpha male would be ashamed to own
But not me
I’ve always felt
A little too much
I’ve always thought
A little too much
I’ve always been
A little too much
To be happy
With being happy
Like it wasn’t ever quite enough
When really it should be
It should be
It should
So to Gaga and Cooper
I’ll tip my hat
Your depiction of real love
Through its myriad problems
And pressures
The inability to cope with life
And its everyday monsters
That there is only one real way to fix it
For good
So final
Too final
Something I know too much about
Because I’ve seen it
I wanted it
I’ve lived with every angle of it
And it’s a despicable monster
That could be my best friend
If I let it
It could save me
From any more
Pain
For good
And as if that wasn’t enough
Pulling at my heart for one afternoon
There was another monster
On that big silver screen
That has stolen another of my favourite people
Kind of
Not for good
He’s still here
But it’s had its hands around his throat
For so long
For too long
And I can’t save him either
All I can do
Is tell him I care
That I love him
And he should stick around
Because selfishly
I don’t think I could cope
With losing another
With that kind of loss
Maybe that’s why
I can’t do the same thing to them
My family
My friends
It’s why I’m still here
I’m not fooling anyone
By pretending it isn’t
Because that kind of loss
That kind of grief
That kind of heartbreak
Of hurt
Of angry
Of sad
Isn’t fair on anyone
But the one who made the choice to leave
Without seeing the massive mess
They’d leave behind
For mothers
Brothers
Lovers
And friends
The love they could have had
That was there all along
If they could only have seen
It
In its mass
Its enormity
That we’re blind to
Because we’re too stupid
To ask if it’s so
Or to believe it
Even when we’re told and told and told and told
Because that other way out
That other way
Of solving every problem you ever had
In one fell swoop
Doesn’t work well
And isn’t at all fair
On the mass of broken souls
And minds
And hearts
It always
Leaves
Behind

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